Church Project Theorem Guide

The Church Project Theorems are an integral part of what we do here. I have come to realize, however, that we've accumulated so many of them that it can be difficult to remember them all.

(Well, not for me, since I came up with all of them.)

But never fear! Remember, The Philadelphia Church Project has your best interests at heart. To help you out, here is a handy guide to all of our theorems: the names, the meanings and where we first encountered them.

1. The Fat Girl Principle: Poor urban parishes are just happy to get a little attention.
   
   • First seen at Our Lady of Hope.
   • Other prominent examples: Incarnation of Our Lord, Immaculate Conception, St. Martin de Porres, Our Lady of the Blessed Sacrament
2. The Minority Report: Minority parishes are generally worse off than non-minority parishes.
   
   • First seen at Our Lady of Hope.
   • Other prominent examples: every Fat Girl parish.
     
3. Upper v. Lower Churches. Upper churches rule; lower churches drool.
   
   • First seen at Incarnation of Our Lord.
   • Other prominent examples: St. Martin of Tours, Nativity BVM, St. Peter the Apostle, Ascension of Our Lord, St. Helena
     
4. Tweener Churches: Late-model churches that are still big and grand, but not as ornate.
   
   • First seen at St. Martin of Tours.
   • Other prominent examples: Immaculate Conception, Transfiguration of Our Lord, St. Bartholomew, St. Helena
     
5. Old v. Older Churches: Older model churches that are neither large nor ornate. First seen at Our Mother of Consolation.
   
   • First Seen at Our Mother of Consolation.
   • Other prominent examples: Old St. Joseph's, St. Augustine, St. Michael, Old St. Mary's, St. Peter's Church
6. The Closer: The closing of a parish.
   
   • First seen at Immaculate Conception.
   • Other prominent examples: St. Francis of Assisi, Most Blessed Sacrament
7. Tabula Rasa: Churches that undergo radical décor changes, usually due to repairs or renovations.
   • First seen at St. Cyprian.
   • Other prominent examples: Our Mother of Good Counsel, Our Lady of the Holy Souls, Sacred Heart of Jesus, Annunciation BVM, Our Mother of Sorrows.
8. Consolidation: The merging together of two or more parishes.
   • First seen at St. Cyprian.
   • Other prominent examples: Our Lady of Hope, Our Lady of the Holy Souls, Universal Church.
9. Church Alley: The three Catholic churches lined up next to each other on Allegheny Avenue.
   
   • First seen at St. Adalbert.
   • Other prominent examples: Our Lady Help of Christians, Nativity BVM
10. The Francis Triangle: The triangular location of Philly's three St. Francis parishes.
    
    • First seen at St. Francis de Sales.
    • Other prominent examples: St. Francis of Assisi, St. Francis Xavier
11. The St. Vincent de Paul Effect: Buildings that don't resmble typical or classic notions of church architecture.
    • First seen at St. Michael.
    • Other prominent examples: St. Rita of Cascia.
12. North Philadelphia Swath of Destruction: The wave that knocked out nearly every Catholic parish in North Philadelphia.
    • First seen at St. Veronica.
    • Other prominent examples: St. Martin de Porres, Our Lady of Hope, Our Lady of the Holy Souls, Universal Church, St. Boniface, St. Bonaventure, Assumption BVM.
13. The Year of Hell: The year most of the North Philly parishes were closed: 1993.
    • First seen at St. Veronica.
    • Other prominent examples: Our Lady of Hope, Our Lady of the Holy Souls, Universal Church, St. Bonaventure
14. The St. Athanasius Effect: Churches that are more impressive inside than outside.
    
    • First seen at St. Rita of Cascia.
    • Other prominent examples: St. Athanasius, St. Michael
15. The St. Cyprian Effect: Churches that are impressive outside than inside.
    
    • First seen at Epiphany of Our Lord.
    • Other prominent examples: St. Cyprian, Our Mother of Sorrows, St. Thomas of Villanova
16. Dead Parish Walking: When a parish is joined or "twinned" with another one.
    
    • First seen at Most Blessed Sacrament.
    • Other prominent examples: Immaculate Conception, St. Michael, Our Mother of Sorrows, Our Lady Help of Christians, Natvitiy BVM
17. Caveat Emptor: The buying and selling of church property.
    
    • First seen at Universal Church of the Kingdom of God.
    • Other prominent examples: N/A
18. Pimp My Church: Alterations that go above and beyond simple maintenance.
    
    • First seen at Universal Church of the Kingdom of God.
    • Other prominent examples: N/A
19. The Long Goodbye: When closed churches lie abandoned.
    
    • First seen at St. Boniface.
    • Other prominent examples: Assumption BVM, St. Bonaventure
20. The End: When a church meets the business end of a wrecking ball.
    
    • First seen at St. Boniface
    • Other prominent examples: Transfiguration of Our Lord
21. It's All Greek to Me!: Ethnic parishes that no longer have an ethnic population.
    
    • First seen at Our Lady Help of Christians.
    • Other prominent examples: Ss. Cosmas and Damian.
22. The Hot Girl Principle: Rich suburban parishes generally don't care about visitors.
    
    • First seen at Our Mother of Good Counsel.
    • Other prominent examples: None...so far.
23. How the $#%@ do I get in here?: Protestant churches are more likely to have bizarre layouts
    • First seen at St. Clement
    • Other prominent examples: St. Martin-in-the-Fields, St. Mark, St. Mark
24. The Immaculate Inception: Immaculate Conception is the most common church name.
    • First seen at Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception
    • Other prominent examples: every parish with Immaculate in the name.
25. Magnet Parishes: Architecturally significant and prominently located churches have higher survival rates
    
    • First seen at Visitation BVM.
    • Other prominent examples: Our Lady of Hope